Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Thank God I'm a Guy

The reports have been around for several years now, slowly growing over time. It seems that the problem is no longer confined to Americans afflicted with far more money than common sense. It is apparently no longer enough to buy a girl a diamond, drape her in the finest fashions, buy her a little puppy whose hair can be dyed to coordinate with its owner and give her a sleek new car to tote all the above around town in.

The latest must have is a Designer Vagina.

You can get your "vaginal rejuvenation" if things just aren't quite the way they used to be. For the girl who has everything (or who's had everyone?) how about a "revirgination"? And who can possibly resist "designer vaginoplasty" or the holy grail of vaginal plastic surgery, "G-spot amplification"?

Much more than sound or even sensible medical practice, what this sounds like is the redirection of fees that more productively should be spent in the psychological arm of the medical profession to the plastic surgeons of the world.

Ladies - he isn't going to stick around just because you hang a pair of basketballs from your chest. Nor will he refuse to look at you if you're only blessed with softballs. Do you really think Pamela Anderson had any trouble getting a date? Then why the augmentation surgery (followed later by the "return to normal" surgery)?

I would love to find one woman on the planet who can honestly say she has suffered rejection do to a lack of correction available through the list of vagino-surgeries above. Is there anyone out there who was headed to the altar and at the last minute had him sit her down for "the talk"? "Sorry, Hon, but I'm afraid it just isn't going to work out between us. You're the sweetest, most wonderful human being I've ever met. Your multi-billion dollar inheritance can keep us going in the lean times until my eco-friendly hemp guitar string company finally takes off. We're more compatible in the sack than anyone I've ever been with - and trust me, darling, that is a LONG list! But, well, your labia minora are just a little too ragged and uneven for me to spend the rest of forever with."

For that matter, I'd settle for one woman who can honestly say she was just about to get lucky when the scoundrel called it off. "Whoa, baby. You've got me all worked up and darn near ready to explode, but it ain't about to happen with THAT thing."

The truth is, ladies, you really don't need any of that stuff to make you desirable. Next time you're in the locker room at the gym during shower time take a look around. There will be far more bellies and sags and stretch marks and imperfections walking around than Playboy centerfolds. Yet for all that, I imagine you'll find a very high percentage of those damaged packages sporting gold on the third finger of their left hands. It is you he wants, and once he wants you, there is no greater imaginable specimen of goddeshood than you. Sure, physical attributes may help spark an initial connection but that begins losing its importance about two minutes after you open your mouth. Unless the only thing he's interested in is a business transaction it doesn't matter how well sculpted or gargantuan your personal equipment is.

Of course there is a vitally necessary and appropriate place for plastic surgery. Reconstruction following accident, illness, and other surgeries are all appropriate and beneficial uses of the surgeon's art. But thinking that changing the package you came wrapped in from the factory is going to make you a better and more sought after person is nothing but the sheerest nonsense, and those who cater to the desires of these disturbed women are no better than the snake oil salesmen of yore.

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