Hey, Hugo - "Shut Up!"

Hugo Chavez is whining again. Apparently denouncing foreign leaders as "Satan" (George Bush) or "Fascists" (former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar) is reasonable and appropriate behavior from Mr. Chavez, while the King of Spain exhorting Chavez to "shut up" while Chavez repeatedly tried to interrupt current Spanish PM Zapatero during a speech being delivered at the Ibero-American Summit.

Ol' Hugo may have a legitimate point. As the duly elected president of a sovereign nation, who has repeatedly demonstrated the depth of his commitment to the personal liberty and growth of his subje... er, constituents.

Tell ya what, buddy. Why don't you stand up before the world an publicly humble yourself by apologizing to every foreign leader you have ever uttered remarks against that might be construed as inappropriate by certain hypersensitive individuals (please reference Satan and fascist above, among others). Prove what a big and noble human being you truly are!

Then, I am certain the rest of the world will get together and badger the insensitive King of Spain to atone for his own indiscretion committed upon your person.

The Road to Hell - Or Nefarious Intent?

Letting the story lie for a weekend did not make it any more palatable. A report posted at the boston.com website of a Boston Globe article on Saturday speaks of a Boston PD plan to send plainclothes detectives into high crime neighborhoods to go door to door requesting permission from homeowners to enter the home and search their children's bedrooms for firearms. Since this is a voluntary, community goodwill program none of those pesky search warrants are needed.

Any firearms discovered in a child's bedroom will not result in charges for unlawful gun possession (unless it turns out to have been used in a previous crime). If the parents or legal guardians should elect to not participate in this programs, the detectives will simply wander on to the next home.

It is not unreasonable to believe that this program was launched with the best of intentions. Guns are a problem. How can the community be enlisted in making everyone safer? Got it - parents can let us toss their homes in search of illegal handguns!

And though the story doesn't contain such a quote, there is undoubtedly a chorus of well intentioned but naive Bostonians singing the "Only People With Something to Hide Will Have a Problem With This" song.

There are so many aspects of this program to have a problem with. Why only target the high crime neighborhoods? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that those areas are predominantly populated by minorities, could it? Are comparatively wealthy white kids too genteel to possess or comprehend the use of a firearm?

Doubtful.

The nothing to worry about crowd has plenty to worry about. Once authorities are voluntarily granted access to the premises they are like vampires - impossible to get rid of. Anything they might see on the way to or from the bedroom is fair game, and just because Harry Homeowner doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or has anything to hide doesn't mean that is the case. A bag of fertilizer or can of Drano left out where it can be seen can be used as the foundation for a search warrant to seek additional bomb making materials. Just check the long list of common household items carried out of a parent's home every time a child commits a nationally acclaimed anti-social act.

It should not be necessary to be wary of those charged with our protection and well being. Unfortunately, to many holders of authority choose to misuse that position to solidify and extend that authority. (Other People's) civil liberties being eroded are not a concern for those individuals.

Vigilance in advance of a threat is far more effective than any amount of recovery after the threat has been exercised. The physical damage caused by a firearm, even damage that extends so far as to end a human life, is more readily recovered from than the loss of personal freedoms across the entire society.

The lost life is merely a tragedy.

WARNING: Political Correctness Is Completely Missing Below

I’m waiting for the day. It is bound to happen any time now. Caught up in the throes of sweaty passion I reach into the bedside table drawer and pull out a condom. (Safety is very important!) Tearing open the package I quickly apply the product as intended.

And there it is.

A Susan G. Komen (fill in the activity of your choice – shtup in this case?) For The Cure Pink Ribbon emblazoned upon that object of intimate necessity. How long do you suppose Mr. Johnson is going to retain that all-important inflated ego?

That is (hopefully) a slight over-exaggeration of the omnipresent spread of the ubiquitous pink ribbon, but not by much. From wrist bands and finger rings to pasta, soup and nuts, from the gasoline you buy to the books you read to the music you fill your MP3 player with there is inevitably a pink logoed product available to you. You might be the one to fund that cure, but only if you purchase that thirty-nine cent box of macaroni and cheese. Women die from breast cancer! How dare you reach for the store brand you selfish bastard?

Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against breasts. Some of my best friends have breasts. They have provided me with sustenance when I was a babe and encouraged me to perform my biological duty to the survival of the species as a man. Breast cancer does deserve to be taken seriously and a cure fervently sought, not just for reasons of esthetics and entertainment but for the very real reason that this disease claims lives. Very real, irreplaceable lives of our mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. And far more than is openly spoken about, breast cancer claims the lives of men as well.

However medicine should not be funded or practiced based upon which disease can garner adherents with the best public relations capacity. These days it is politically correct to Be For Breasts! To listen to the ad campaign going on you would think that women are dropping in the streets at just about the same rate as the aliens at the end of War of the Worlds (the 1953 Byron Haskin version, not the 2005 Steven Spielberg / Tom Cruise debacle). If we don’t act now, there won’t be a woman left alive on the planet. By next Tuesday at the latest. If we’re lucky. Slapping enough pink on enough products and extracting all possible cash from consumer’s pockets though will solve the problem.

Or at least let the corporate entities prostituting their products for the cause convince you they care. And really, isn’t the fact that they care – about anything – reason enough for you to spend your money with them rather than silly factors such as quality or efficacy of their product? Yeah, they’re pretty convinced you’ll think that way. And the pink ribbon storm this nation has been buried under in recent years would seem to bear that cynical assessment out. And if such actions by some chance result in a cure in addition to moving more merchandise so much the better! One more social victory they can claim credit for during the next round of advertising.

According to statistics released by the American Cancer Society, 3 of every 24 women over the course of their lifetime can expect to confront breast cancer.

4 of every 24 men can expect to contract prostate cancer.

According to those same statistics, from birth to death 1 of every 3 women can anticipate some form of cancer.

That’s a staggering number, but not as staggering as the 1 of every 2 men who can expect a close relationship with cancer.

Men are 33% more likely to get prostate cancer than women are likely to get breast cancer. Men are 50% more likely than women to contract any form of cancer over the course of their life. Indeed, the incidence of prostate cancer continues to rise as men age. The National Cancer Institute reports that by age 75 between 50% and 75% of all men “will have cancerous changes in the prostate”. Extending those findings to a logical conclusion, living long enough subjects virtually every man to the likelihood of encountering prostate cancer.

Where are the stories, the panic, the public service campaigns on behalf of men on the subject? Except for lung cancer, which is exclusively the fault of the smoker so they don’t deserve any compassion, about the only other cancer that has received press coverage comparable to breast cancer is the one that attacked Lance Armstrong’s testicles. Scary as hell for a guy to hear about – but he beat it, so we’re okay on that one! Back to the breasts!!

The fact is that medical funding should not be based upon grass roots funding, corporate cynicism, and slick special interest groups. Not even Jerry’s kids are deserving of special effort simply because their plight is often heartbreaking and makes most of us thank God he had the grace to let that particular challenge pass by our homes. Allocations of scarce resources would more ethically be based upon how broad-based the impact of the condition is and how likely research is to ameliorate or preferably cure the problem. Especially with the nightmare of socialized medicine looming over us, resources need to be focused where they can do the greatest possible good in the shortest possible time.

If we are going to insist on emotion, special interests, and non-profit foundations being the primary criteria for allocation of research dollars rather than reason and common sense, then I would like to announce the formation of my very own foundation. The “Jacob D. Vreeland, Jr. Brown Ribbon for the Cure Foundation” is committed to the elimination of prostate cancer in my lifetime. I will work tirelessly to extract as much money as humanly possible from every consumer in this great land – because I care, deeply and passionately about the ravages I will face personally when prostate cancer comes to claim me. Not to mention the trauma lurking in the shadows for an opportunity to pounce upon all the fathers, brothers, husbands and sons of this world. I want a Brown Ribbon on your breakfast cereal, your cup of coffee at the diner, on every cigarette you stick in your mouth and on every feminine hygiene pad taped to a pair of panties. I want you to see Brown Ribbons everywhere you go until you, too, become equally impassioned about making the digital rectal examination a horror of the past.

In fact, why not join me in tying a Brown Ribbon around your finger. To help you remember just what it is we are fighting for.

Don’t you care?

It's a Dangerous World Out There - Don't Compound It By Being Stupid!

A 49-year-old man in the greater Seattle, Washington, area learned a life lesson recently. Letting your ex live with you is not necessarily the best idea. There is likely a reason that person is "ex", and even compassion for the needs of another is not a great basis for continuing a post breakup living arrangement. Letting that ex get drunk and then trying for a little friends with benefits action just makes matters worse.

The gentleman in question had his lower lip bitten off by the object of his would-be affections while they were kissing in a bedroom. She was drunk, and took her little love bite apparently unexpectedly and without provocation.

Rescue personnel found his lip on the floor, but it was covered in cat hair and ultimately could not be reattached.

One thing the man should be thankful for: His ex was not Lorena Bobbitt.

GE / NBC Universal Are Insensitive!

(Paraphrasing slightly): "Last July the cast of 'Heroes' gathered in New York to do something to save the planet we all have the power to do - Plant A Tree!!!!!"

That was one of the pseudo-public service announcements viewers of 'Heroes' were subjected to last night. How could such a sensitive and compassionate organization say such a thing? How could they possibly so completely dismiss the feelings of all those people on the planet who are multiple amputees or quadriplegics? Don't they realize they are mocking and dismissing the capacities of an entire class of people? Don't they care?

Seriously, going green is fine. I can't find any particular grounds for objecting to clean air or water. Heck, I've even been known to indulge in those resources on occasion myself.

There is plenty to object to in the manner it is being presented to us though. Few, if any of these mega corporations care about "global warming" or "saving the planet" or "being good stewards of the world we leave our children". The only motivating factor is corporate profitability, and the results are calculated efforts to retain the support and patronage of those who "care". The key giveaway is that the slogans are of a nature that wouldn't challenge the average two year old, and they are more often than not delivered in that tone of voice reserved for talking with two year olds as well.

NBC (et al.), present your message in meaningful, adult language. Propose real solutions to real problems rather than pretty pastel window dressings that let people feel good rather than accomplish anything purposeful. Tout the results of your actions once those results are achieved rather than telling me all the things I should be doing (but that you are to important to actually undertake yourself).

Give me some substance rather than trite platitudes. I think you would be amazed at the depth of the response.

And don't try to convince me that planting a handful of six foot tall trees in eighteen inch pots on Rockefeller Plaza in the middle of July is going to do anything other than quickly result in work for the mulch shredder.