Put Down the Pencil Sharpener and Slowly Step Away From the Desk!

On Hilton Head Island, make sure your pencil sharpener is in good working order before taking it to school.

A ten-year-old fourth grader there has been suspended for at least two days, and could face further disciplinary action. What heinous crime did the youngster commit? It seems that his little plastic pencil sharpener broke, and he had the temerity to try and sharpen his pencil with the small blade normally housed within the plastic.

Randy Wall is a spokesman for the school district. He explained that school administrators are always in a very difficult position, stuck between the district's zero tolerance policy and common sense. "We're always going to do something to make sure the child understands the seriousness of having something that could potentially harm another student, but we're going to be reasonable," he said.

Reasonable? If the tiny blade in a hand-held pencil sharpener is such a deadly weapon, why is it even permissible for children to have them in the first place? Hordes of children could soon roam the halls with fingernail-sized blades obtained by smashing the flimsy plastic housing. Social order and the American educational system are in grave peril! Each school needs to have one approved sharpener installed per building with a security guard stationed by it at all times to ensure it is not misused.

Common sense would be the reasonable approach, Mr. Wall. You cite a standard of being able to "potentially harm another student". Yet I'm sure you permit pens, pencils, and compasses (the devices designed to draw circles with, not the orienteering aid) in the classroom. I suspect many if not most students have laces in their shoes and jackets. Are the kids permitted peanuts or peanut butter for lunch? How many X-Acto knives can be found in the art rooms in your school district? All of these items are potentially far more lethal to other students than a blade that is nearly impossible to grasp let alone effectively wield as a weapon.

Common sense? If this is the best you and your fellow bureaucrats can come up with as a common sense reaction then perhaps you should all resign en masse and let the inmates run the asylum. They certainly couldn't do any worse than you, and will almost certainly surprise you.