Dear Antifa Friends,

It appears the results of the 2020 General Election are not going to turn out to be as favorable as a substantial portion of the electorate was hoping. On behalf of many of us who will be new to this, I would like to tap in to your expertise that we have been observing over the past four years. I speak for many when I say that I am far from comfortable rioting in the streets, looting, vandalizing, committing arson and even murder, but your example appears to indicate such behavior is obligatory.

1. Dress - Is it acceptable to wear my business suit and a socially responsible mask to help minimize the spread of the COVID-19 virus when peacefully protesting, or will it be necessary to purchase full Ninja garb?

    1a. - If I must purchase event specific garb, will that be tax deductible?

2. Accouterments - Many of us have limited or even no experience procuring Molotov cocktails and related equipment. Are you able to recommend reputable vendors where they might be purchased? Also, will sticks, rocks, and pallets of bricks continue to be provided in places of designated protest, or will we also need to make arrangements to obtain those?

    2a. - If it is necessary to supply our own instruments of mayhem, will those expenses also be tax deductible?

3. Lodging - Is it required to sleep with multiple strangers in close quarters in a tent pitched on the city sidewalks, or is it permissible to spend one’s days recuperating in the comfort of a Marriott owned or similar establishment?

    3a. - Please see 1a. and 2a. above.

4. Employment - Please advise on how to best retain gainful employment in order to feed, clothe, and house ourselves and our families as well as meet the many other financial obligations a responsible and productive citizen has in this society while also engaging in extended periods of peaceful protest. The vast majority of us have been led to believe it is necessary to report to work on a daily basis and perform one’s necessary duties in order to maintain a job, receive a pay check, and improve one’s fortunes. Your example suggests this is not necessarily the case. I hope so, as I personally would sorely lament the loss of my Country Club membership.

    4a. - Is reliable valet parking typically available at riot venues? It would be distressing to return from an exhausting night on the streets fighting for The Cause only to discover the Bentley had been taken for a joy ride or simply scratched.

Thank you so much in advance for your assistance in these matters. Perhaps we can do this all over again in another four years.

Wait, I’m sorry. I forgot the struggle never ends.

Faithfully Yours,

The Other Half Of The Country